Divorce: A Death Where Nobody Dies

Divorece a death

by Ann Marie Termini~Divorce can be a devastating event, a time of strenuous transition, even for someone who initiates a divorce or separation. Often, many people who experience a divorce grieve over the loss as one does when a relative or loved one dies.

Both children and adults are affected during this onerous time. Children experience feelings of loss just as profoundly as adults. Children feel the disappearance of a familiar family structure, a loss of friends, a familiar home environment, a school, and church, most especially if a divorce has caused them to feel displaced.It becomes extremely difficult for children to establish any feelings of security after a divorce. These losses are also common to what adults are feeling. The loss of a companion, a friend, economic security, even a perfect family, are mourned by adults experiencing divorce or separation.

The process of grieving, known as the “stages of grief,” was first introduced by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and later extended upon by many writers. These “stages of grief” include shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining/depression, hope, and acceptance. The “stages of grief” do not follow one particular order, nor may they only be visited once, but it is likely a person will or has experienced each of these stages.

When people say they feel nothing, have a completely numb feeling in their bodies, they are in the stage of shock. Panic may be present with this stage of grief, either preceding or following the feeling of numbness. A person may have difficulty concentrating or expressing themselves to another during the stage of shock.

However, when people altogether refuse to grieve, they are in denial, another stage of grief. Grief is a painful process; many people try to put it off, at least temporarily before dealing with it. Often, phrases such as, “ I don’t care anyway,” or, “She was never there for me anyway” are heard. Without addressing this stage of grief, a person can become stuck in this stage, making it hard for a person to move on to a healthier stage of life.

When a person begins to reflect and look back on what may have caused a divorce or what may have hurt someone, feelings of guilt begins to surface. Thoughts in this stage of grief are often phrased with, “If only I…”

A feeling that is often most present and associated with the grief process is anger. This stage follows after a divorce or separation. Often, blame is placed on a partner for initiating divorce or for breaking up a family or the ideal home. Anger can be self-inflicted, often towards oneself for the incapacity to prevent the divorce.

Many people feel alone, become isolated, or want to be alone when they grieve. What becomes a last effort before resolving some of the grief is the stage of bargaining. This may be in the form of a person bargaining with God, with himself or herself, or with one’s former partner. Usually when the last big effort to reconcile or mediate does not work, the person often experiences depression as a result.

Nevertheless, a more positive stage of grief comes in the form of hope. Hope is an essential part of the resolution process, a part that indicates optimism for the future, putting the worst behind you, and starting fresh.

Finally, with acceptance, the final stage of grief, one may be surprised to still have feelings of sadness, but it is shared with acceptance that there is no going back. In this stage, acceptance does not contradict the pain of the experience nor the joy or past experiences. But rather, one becomes complacent in the moment, and accepts the present as the only alternative. With this stage, a person is ready to face the future.

Though these stages may become present with a divorce or separation, it is key to remember that if you become stuck in any stage, you may need the help of a professional to move on or to help recover from your experience.

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About Ann Marie Termini

Ann Marie Termini, Ed.S., M.S., LPC is co-founder and director of the Cooperative Parenting Institute in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania. She has worked with children and families since 1979. Ann Marie has co-authored several books including Cooperative Parenting and Divorce: 8-Week group program for separating parents, Cooperative Parenting and Divorce: A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting, The Psychotherapist as Parent Coordinator in High Conflict Divorce: Strategies and Techniques and Crossroads. Respected in their field, Ann Marie has conducted numerous seminars on the international and national levels. She has trained parenting coordinators since 1997, and as a result, co-authored the first and only comprehensive model of parenting coordination.

2 thoughts on “Divorce: A Death Where Nobody Dies

  1. Paula Susan

    What a wonderful article and perfect title! The value of working that process through is that it really allows for a person to move forward in their lives without the unconscious baggage that divorce often leaves.

    Your work is so important. Glad you are doing it.

    Paula Susan


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