So the decision has been made. You are divorcing. There’s a fog around your life and the near future feels heavy.
Be kind to yourself.
On even the most ordinary days we are ALL imperfect and vulnerable.
And on days when things are not ordinary, remember this:
- You are not a failure.
- You are still lovable and capable.
- You need not compare yourself to ANYONE else.
This is your growth process.
The sooner you realize it as such, the shorter your suffering will be. Instead of a long, troubling, adversarial process, see it as a journey made up of small steps that come one at a time.
At each step you can face your fears, self-doubt and emotions, but not all at once! Each step will give you an opportunity to behave in a way to create your new reality. Each step, well done, sets up the most positive prospects for the next one.
Help yourself by staying in the present.
You are learning to rebuild yourself and master yourself, not fix something or someone else.
Watch yourself as if someone else is looking. Ask, “What is _____________ (your name) doing now? “Look what ______________is thinking now.” “____________ is feeling angry/sad/guilty.” Once you pause to view your own behavior, you’ll see you have a choice instead of feeling trapped or being reactive. You’ll see you can break a cycle of non-productive thinking about the past or the future.
The present moment is the only place you have any power.
Adopt a “present moment practice”.
Allow emotions to come, sit, and pass.
Emotions associated with fear, loss, abandonment, rejection and are normal. Suffering is largely optional.
Try this experiment. The next time you are gripped by an overwhelming emotion, acknowledge it. Then look at your watch or record the time in some way to mark its passing. It should last about a minute, maybe a bit more, if you don’t feed it. Amazing! The emotions will come and go; the body can process them. Our minds do not have to create rationalizations to save us from them.
Get the right support.
Be selective. Hang out with people who will help you break the cycle of guilt, blame, hurt or defensiveness, not add to it. Hire a coach or have someone else act as a neutral party.
Choose a ride other than the emotional roller coaster. Have someone help you identify what really matters and use it as an anchor and a guide. Create new practices that keep you in line with what matters most in your life.
You will get through this. The question is, how? Choose to participate with your best self. Rebuild and grow the life you want even before the divorce is final.
You deserve to heal, flourish, and feel whole.