Infidelity, Before You UnZip that Zipper!


Ways to avoid the ugly aftermath of infidelity

Many hours of every day, in private practices all over this country, couples are struggling with the devastation of infidelity. It is far reaching, and enormously painful.

With someone trained to work with the complexities in a couple’s relationship, those relationships can heal at the deepest levels of the betrayal; and, help both people grow closer instead of abandoning their lives together. Without this help, bitterness would follow and so would distrust long after separating.

It takes speaking to each other from your hearts, not your anger. It takes understanding the shame so that it does not repeat itself. It takes being partners in the healing process. The betrayed needs comfort, reassurance, and lots of “mia culpas” – often.

There are energy psychology processes that offer the kind of relief of all the feelings one carries about such a disruption in your lives. Knowing your partner has lied, leaves you wondering what of your relationship ever was real?

Needed is a lot of understanding and remorse, which can lead the way to re-connection – from a very different place. This will be the place you both will feel, and, that you will be able to trust. Resolving disappointments in the relationship, becoming the people you will each respect, having the courage to speak your truth THAT is intimacy, and a solid basis for loving that will last.

So here is my plea…

Before you unzip that zipper…

If you are being denied sex, and the anger has grown over time – before you unzip that zipper, get thee to a seasoned therapist. Once you go down the path of deception, the lies will continue to grow. The shame and confusion will set in. Once the fantasy of the affair becomes more real and the person is seen for whom they are, you may find yourself trapped. There are borderline personalities or sociopaths who look like Alex in Fatal Attraction. They do exist, and are attractive, seductive, and destructive – when you don’t give them what they demand. Then there is the depressed or anxious person, who will drain you with their neediness. And don’t forget whatever reputation you may have had in the world, will be forever tainted.

When any of us slip and are drawn into a passionate, enticing situation, we must think. Yielding to that delicious feeling will destroy your own personal integrity. There is damage to the body in the ways deceit and having to perpetuate that deceit will cause.

Research shows that even small lies, or the intention to lie, alter your body chemistry, creating anxiety, depression…. You will no longer be the man or woman you feel good about. You will have betrayed your own values.

How do any of us avoid that kind of salacious temptation? DO NOT put yourself in a position of being tempted. If you find that person sexy and they send you emails and flirt, cut them off with a “thank you. I don’t do this kind of thing.” Don’t do happy hours or be alone in a room with them. The power of sexual arousal is very, very strong – especially if you are not having any at home. You make sure your fantasies do not include people who are possibilities in your life.

If your partner is not fulfilling your needs, have a sit down and speak from your heart. How much it hurts to feel undesired, etc. How you don’t feel important to them. That you miss them. It seems terribly unfair that you are expected to be monogamous.

Hand them my articles from this blog,
Sex: We Can Do it, But Can We Talk About it Part 1
Sex: We Can Do It, But Can We Talk About It~Part II

Some real important advice in those two articles.
There is also the possibility of negotiating an agreement that you would be discrete and quietly get satisfaction somewhere safe. Remember, STD’S are rampant!

If therapy doesn’t help you resolve what keeps you apart, uncomfortable in the bedroom or whatever else might be the “reason”, then perhaps you have to consider leaving. It may be a hard choice because there are other things that might be good.

We all have the right to fulfill our sexual potential, and to honor our own needs. It is good for our bodies and our moods. And, makes you feel alive!
And, while doing that make sure you are protecting your personal integrity! You will suffer if you don’t.

Share this Story


About Paula Susan

Paula Susan, MSW, LCSW, Masters in Clinical Social Work & Psychology; specialist in Trauma and Relationships since 1982. In 1991, I integrated the powerfully transformative process of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Research demonstrates that it facilitates life-altering changes more efficiently and effectively than talk therapy alone. I teach skills such as communication and anxiety relief to improve connection with others. Over the decades, I’ve come to respect how much damage even small traumatic experiences inflict on our core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. I consider it a privilege to help my clients understand and change what has undermined their happiness and their relationships. I do it with warmth, integrity, humor, and profound respect for those who care about the quality of this small piece of time we have on

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *