The Naked Truth About Love and Sex


To have love and sex be many splendored, it matters who you are – your expectations and most importantly, your own personal development. When you know what is true for yourself and then have the courage to speak to your partner, you are creating an opportunity for an authentic experience that will enrich the entire relationship for both of you.

It could be and should be quite simple. However, it is not. How many of us really understand the deepest parts of ourselves – the parts that define us? So many of us allow the world to define us. Too many of us allow our partners to do that. Many even allow the moment to do the defining.

I have worked with couples where the partner (usually the man) doesn’t want to be told what or how to do any part of sex. It “feels” like his partner is saying he is not good enough at it or perhaps he believes he knows better.

Presumably (in this scenario) he is having a good time getting his sexual needs met, while his partner is not. She is there as his vessel. Over time she will lose interest in sex and avoid it any way she can. She may build anger and resentment, which will show up in their life together. THEY have lost the emotional intimacy that comes from being real with each other – in bed and out.

Then there is the reluctant sexual partner (for various reasons – sometimes past traumatic events.) They are just not “into it”. Their partner feels rejection and undesirable. For some, it is devastating. This is often when affairs “happen” and the avoidant partner becomes incensed when they find out. Betrayal! Lies! What about their vows? And – what about the rejected partner’s sexual, biological, emotional needs? What were they to do about them? They didn’t talk about any of this before it happened.

There are people who are unable to perform with their partners. It could be they are physically challenged, ill or just plain too tired. They don’t think to offer to pleasure their partners in the other ways we can make love.

These are examples of some of the sexual disparity in relationships. As one of my articles said, “Sex – people do it but don’t talk about it.”

Sexual relations have a way of keeping love alive when they are mutually satisfying. And those moments in bed are ideally something sacred that only they share.

Many a relationship goes sour when that sexual connection is broken. And, it seems it happens more because of ignorance. People are not comfortable asking for what they want and need, to reach the peak of their own sexual potential. So they suffer in silence or withdraw entirely.

My articles stress the value of truly knowing yourself. When you have an experienced therapist to take you on an inner journey, you can find what holds you back from loving your life. And, you can heal those ghosts which haunt, beneath the surface of your “knowing.”

What follows will be having developed a “self” which will help you live authentically, asking for what you want. You will be honoring the value of your own life and be free to speak your truth – gently, respectfully.

When partners live that way with each other, the level of trust created is solid. The love deepens and you have something really special between you that has the potential of lasting through your lifetime.

In every successful relationship, people know how to communicate from their hearts as well as their intellect, to create and maintain a mutually fulfilling connection. They truly hear their partners and express themselves so together they can honor their love and respect for each other as well as themselves!

So, in order for sex and love to be as many splendored as it can, it takes two healthy people being lovingly authentic with each other. It means deeply knowing and liking who you are, and sharing yourself with the one you have chosen to love. And, sex can become the hot, fun, spiritual, loving experience which makes it an exquisite mutual bond.

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About Paula Susan

Paula Susan, MSW, LCSW, Masters in Clinical Social Work & Psychology; specialist in Trauma and Relationships since 1982. In 1991, I integrated the powerfully transformative process of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Research demonstrates that it facilitates life-altering changes more efficiently and effectively than talk therapy alone. I teach skills such as communication and anxiety relief to improve connection with others. Over the decades, I’ve come to respect how much damage even small traumatic experiences inflict on our core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. I consider it a privilege to help my clients understand and change what has undermined their happiness and their relationships. I do it with warmth, integrity, humor, and profound respect for those who care about the quality of this small piece of time we have on

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